In the ongoing interests of using positivity as a weapon against this recovery, I’m trying to surface things that feel better and listen to those thoughts rather than the darker ones. So a few small little milestones this week:
- My first day without any painkillers since the operation.
I kicked the Tramadol usage at the weekend. After 24 hours I realised how much I’d been living in a stoned haze; My mind seems sharper; More like my non-recovery self.
- I sat upright on the sofa and worked in that position for hours yesterday. The back pain of being slumped around had become more significant than the discomfort down below, so being able to sit up is a big deal. It’s not great, but way better than it was.
- I’ve just spent a morning troubled by indigestion, which on the face of it is not much fun, but I’ve become aware that there are other feelings in my body beyond the dull ache and occasional electric shock feelings of nerves reconnecting in my new vagina.
- I’m able to stand a little more upright. This sounds like a minor thing, but being so hunched feels really so unfeminine and is pretty uncomfortable. I can’t really engage my core muscles for best posture yet as it seems to simultaneously pull my skin and external scars down there a little more than I am comfortable with, but I see it being on the horizon.
It feels like I turned a corner.
Is the Very Concept of “Passing” Problematic?
I found this short essay linked from Facebook the yesterday about “passing” (as another gender). It’s well worth a read if you have five minutes and spend any degree of time contemplating the concept of passing, the conclusion that your gender validity is not linked to your ability to pass or passing to alleviate dysphoria.
I wish I’d written it, because I basically agree almost entirely with the narrative.
After my last, quite miserable post, I’m trying to be more positive and be happier despite my physical situation. I think the universe is sending me some positivity – I had three little things happen which made me feel marginally better.
The whole concept of “passing” (as a woman) is something that I dwell on less and less. At the beginning I was very anxious about getting inside everyone’s head and worrying about how they perceived me. Now I mostly don’t worry much unless I get specifically misgendered or I get one of those deep, invasive stares; Which sucks.
However, recently I’ve been feeling so physically unattractive due to the surgical recovery that I’ve felt kind of sub-human. Like some kind of hunched, goblin slowly creeping down the street. I think this is compounded by the fact that people tend to look through sick people; we are somehow inherently unattractive to want to look at and so they sort of disregard us.
However, I’ve been trying to make an effort in terms of my appearance here & there especially when going to work or meeting someone.
1. Looking at the trousers and not me
On Monday, I was wearing almost exactly this outfit. Top with these wide leg trousers. I’ll never look like her, but it felt good; Femme, but not classic wearing-a-dress femme; Confident. I walked out of the house and went to the bus stop and saw someone look at me. Her eyes saw my face and physique and moved on with disinterest, then saw her stare more acutely at my trousers and shoes. Whilst one can never know what a person is thinking – it utterly seemed like she saw just another woman and was far more interested in the outfit she was wearing, compared to back at the beginning where I stuck out like a sore thumb. I suspect this is 50% physical changes and 50% carrying oneself with confidence and having a stronger sense of identity. Either way it was another little reminder that I made it to the other side.
2. Offered an ‘essential’ test
Continue reading “Three little rays of sunshine from the universe: A good “passing” week”