37 days left to go… and feeling…

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In less than just over a month, I will be boarding a plane to fly to Thailand for GRS with Dr Suporn. Over the last few months, I’ve been oscillating between intense fear and excitement.

Maybe it’s obvious, but the fear has been centred around a couple of obvious things.

First is the obvious pain immediately after surgery. I’ve reconciled with this because I know there will be morphine. Lots of morphine. But also it’s only a week and we are, as a species, programmed to forget pain; Often women that give birth say “never again” then only a couple of months later are talking about having another. The evolutionary imperative is obvious: In ancient times females with this ability would have more babies; Similarly Men that could forget painful incidents would overcome the fear of leaving the cave after sustaining a wound and over time catch more food and increase their chances of passing on their genes. So long story short – I am pretty confident that it’ll be bad at the time, but I’ll probably forget most of it.

Second and probably more significantly is the gruelling vaginal dilation schedule. Each dilation can be an hour or more and must be done three times a day for the first three months, then twice every day for the first year and reducing bit by bit after that. I have been really worried about how I will manage it around work and being a parent to my girls. But I have partly reconciled this too: It will be ok. Thousands have gone before me and it’s just a thing I have to do.

But the excitement is the prevalent feeling right now. I have thought about this every day since I found out such a thing was possible. I was probably ten and heard some reference to a “sex change” as the crude punch line to some puerile sketch in a Saturday evening show. As silly as it was it stuck with me. Since then I have thought about it both idly and obsessively at times. Other times I’ve had cliched trans trope fantasies such as the genie giving me a wish or some future technology that could transform me. I have spent so many hours daydreaming and fantasising over so many years. I’m just a few days away from a life long pain being healed and my life will never again be the same. I suppose I can’t believe it’s really happening. I’m honestly pretty overwhelmed by it.