GRS Diary Days: 94 & 95 – I can walk!

Day 94 – Discharge from Hospital

Early in the morning Dr Suporn came in to see me. He drew a diagram of what he found inside and explained what he did. Fortunately there was no packing inside me, which is a huge relief to my comfort and will mean I can get back to dilating sooner. However I do have a catheter in which is a little uncomfortable and kind of humiliating carrying it around.

I spent the rest of the day doing nothing but chilling out in my room back at the hotel. My whole plan for this trip is just get lots of rest and not try to run around and join in too much of the group expeditions shopping or whatever.

Physically – I was already feeling a lot better without the large lump on my perineum. I was walking much more normally. I can’t describe how big this is for me.

My emotional state was very flat. I don’t really know anything about my future. I don’t know when I can leave. I don’t know when I can dilate again. I don’t know it will be static or dynamic. I don’t know how much it will hurt so many days after the last one. I don’t know how much depth I have lost. I don’t know when I will see my children again. I don’t really feel anything about it – just like I’m some sort of emotional suspended animation.

Day 95 – Clinic with Dr Suporn

I had 9am clinic with Dr Suporn. I walked there, despite them saying they would send the car. He seemed generally pleased with the external healing and then said he was going to do another external exam. To do this he uses a very small plastic speculum which isn’t particularly comfortable, but certainly not excruciating.Using a mirror and a light, he slowed me the internal repairs he had done. I noticed every time I look down there it seems to look more normal, more like a vagina. His work is so remarkable.  He removed the catheter – which is amazing – being normal again.

We discussed my departure date. He was sort of OK with me leaving on Wednesday, but I could tell he wasn’t happy. All I want out of this trip is to get my life back and have the best chance at healing, so I asked when he would like me to stay for. He said “week, 12 days?”. I asked when the last clinic day was and he said the 28th, so I agreed to fly out on the 29th. It feels like a really positive step for my recovery. I am of course sad that I won’t see my children or my close friend for christmas, but that is simply the cost of giving myself the best chance to get my life back and be a better parent, partner and employee as soon as possible. The alternative might be to come home and then relapse again.

I cannot describe how happy I feel at being able to walk. A few days ago I was painfully hobbling along like a 90 year old woman. Now I can walk almost normally. It feels like my whole future is opening up again.

The only anxiety I have is what will dilation be like after five days off? Normally if I skip one, then next is so much more challenging. But it will be what it will be. I’m going to beat this.

I’m starting to think about how to make this trip positive without being too active. The first small thing is there is a trip to Dr Suporn’s beach hut on wednesday. In the normal world it would be a pretty tame experience, but here, in this boring exitance, it’s lovely. It’s just a nice beach villa where you hang out for a day and have a Thai massage. I also have a germ of an idea about going somewhere for Christmas. Pataya is a big tourist town, only and hour and a half away and could be a nice treat. I’m going to look into it.

The image was the sunrise from my hotel window this morning. I posted it because it symbolises things starting to improve.

Amy x