My take on that “man trapped in a woman’s body narrative” cliche

So I had an opinion on this too… It’s becoming quite an opinionated week.

That “man trapped in a woman’s body narrative” is such a cliche. But the “I don’t feel like I fit into the man trapped in a woman’s body narrative” is growing to become as much of a cliche.

I never felt like I fitted into the woman trapped in a man’s body narrative either. this is related to my belief that I wasn’t Trans enough. So I just felt “not male” with a longing to be female for most of my life. When I started the process of acceptance I became comfortable with shedding “not male” and thinking of myself as “trans”, then “trans female” / “trans girl” / “trans woman” depending on the circumstances (really complex). One day I was treating myself to an experience that is a definite part of female culture and I suddenly forgot about this and felt “female”. It was just for a few moments. It comes and goes, but it’s been getting more frequent. It’s hardest to find when I’m presenting as male at work, but she’s there more and more, but she’s still fleeting & fragile.

The trouble is now I have the beginnings of a handle on who my female self is, I have never felt so utterly distressed by my physical form not matching the inner me.

I feel just disgustingly ugly most of the time at the moment. It’s so frustrating – I don’t want to look like this. I even kind of blame myself. If I’d been brave enough to face this sooner I wouldn’t have had 25 years of testosterone damage to have to try to partly undo over the next few years.

Its not just my face – it’s my body – I’m just hating seeing myself without my clothes on and it feels like such a long, expensive and painful path to have to walk. I have no idea how I will afford it, but I know I need to somehow.

This is classic body focussed gender dysphoria. Recognising it makes it no easier to deal with.

It’s like I’m a woman trapped in a man’s body.

#sigh #bandwagon