I think my transition has been proceeding at breakneck speed. It’s been on the edge of nearly being too fast for a while, but it’s been right for me. Once I decided i was doing this – I just felt I wanted to get to the other side as quickly as possible. I’ve waited three decades.
I’ve felt like an arrow hurtling towards my target. It’s been fun. It’s been exciting. It’s been astonishing. At times it’s been joyous.
Two things have happened over the last few weeks.
Treasuring the journey
Firstly various friends in their different ways urged me to capture all these amazing experiences and preserve them. I stated writing weekly logs of all the amazing things that were happening to me. Since starting my journey, I’ve always been joyous at these first experiences. However since documenting them I’ve come to truly understand that this journey is such a rare experience that so few of us get to experience – it should be treasured. Perhaps even the awful & awkward bits. This was sort of the point I was making in my Caitlin Jenner post earlier in the week. Maybe I need to savour my teenage year(s).
Too Much Pressure
I’ve talked at length about this over the last week, so I’ll not dwell, but in essence I think the act of setting a date to go full time made me realise how not ready I am either physically or in terms of things like clothes and shoes. This has suddenly knocked my confidence – like I suddenly woke up to the fact that I didn’t know what I’m doing and I’m about to move from the lower school playground to the upper school playground.
I’ve been getting so wound up about this that it’s all stopped being fun. I’ve loved every minute of it up until a couple of weeks ago. Stepping back this feels really wrong – this is a special time – and I shouldn’t be feeling depressed… and yet I am. I can even feel like I’m resorting to my old behaviours of starting to isolate myself. I know in this situation that I need to lean on my friends, but for some reason am rejecting the several offers I’ve received today. Classic depression behaviour.
So I’m sat on my sofa feeling a bit ill and very low.
What am I doing to sort it?
I did a bunch of things today to move things forward
- Booked some more blood tests, which I’ve been putting off just because of the voice / phone call issues. My fears turned out to be realised as the experience was horrible, but now it’s done.
- Wrote to my bank and asked for new bank cards with my name (and title) on it.
- Wrote to HMRC (tax) people to update them on my name change
- Filled out the registration form for a new GP that my support group siblings tell me is very trans friendly.
- Ordered some shoes & a skirt that I really liked
I always feel better moving things forward and I do a little, though not getting the usual narcotic like kick this time.
Taking more time
The most significant thing I did was to cancel my going-full-time party in a couple of weeks. This had the effect of effectively cancelling the the date for going full time. This was a difficult decision for me. It felt like a step backward not sprinting forwards like I’m so used to doing. Several of my trans friends have described me as focussed and determined and doing this was not my instinct.
Now I don’t feel pressured, but I feel a little lost and confused. Where and I going and how will I get there? I think this is a spill-over from my professional life. My job is about planning and strategy for products and I like to have a clear idea of where I’m going. This is an opportunity to take a rest for a few weeks or months and recuperate for the next leg.
A friend gave me a card recently with this message. The head place I was in at the time it felt so true to me… But today I think I do need to wait for myself… but not too much.